Parental Advice Ponderer Gifts

'I should have listened to my parents and not run away to join the circus...'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'My kids don't understand me.'

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

'He was raised by sparrows!'

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

"With a good education you can grow up to be anything I want you to be."

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

'My mom just explained babies to me. I'm not sure, but I think I'm a bird and you're a bee.'

Ingredients: me

Baby Philosophy.

'Mother knows best, Dear, so stop rolling your eyes.'

Bachelors talking about fashionable life versus marriage

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

'I don't mind them, but I would like to see my daughter getting married to one of them!'

"Does school choice include whether he gets a tenured teacher?"

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

A Victorian park.

"I wasn't nervously hovered around enough as a child."

"We think he needs more individual neglect."