Parental Presence Ponderer Pillows

"It's hard for me to tell if my father's having been in the delivery room when I was born is a real factor in my over-all sense of well-being."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'My kids don't understand me.'

'He was raised by sparrows!'

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

"With a good education you can grow up to be anything I want you to be."

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

Ingredients: me

A baby marks time on the walls of the uterus.

"If you retweet it and you have '0' followers, was it retweeted?"

Baby Philosophy.

Bachelors talking about fashionable life versus marriage

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

"Does school choice include whether he gets a tenured teacher?"

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

"I wasn't nervously hovered around enough as a child."

"We think he needs more individual neglect."

'Now that the kids have grown and gone I've decided to rent out their room.'

'Actually, Dad knows quite a bit about sex for a man his age.'