Parental Duties Ponderer Pillows

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

A non-returnable special delivery coming to your life...soon.

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'My kids don't understand me.'

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

'He was raised by sparrows!'

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

Are we going to raise her as a cat person or a dog person?

'Middle managers play tennis.'

"With a good education you can grow up to be anything I want you to be."

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

Ingredients: me

Baby Philosophy.

Bachelors talking about fashionable life versus marriage

"It's not nepotism if I'm the best son for the job."

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

"Does school choice include whether he gets a tenured teacher?"

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

'I didn't hire a lawyer, but I found a neuroscientist who can explain why it wasn't my fault.'

"I wasn't nervously hovered around enough as a child."

"We think he needs more individual neglect."

"Apparently, Philip and his imaginary playmate are more or less the same weight and size."