Parental Role Model Ponderer Pillows

"Shouldn't you be reading a book?"

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

Baby, baby maker

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'Mom says she has a souffl

'You're due in September, however, since you're not mentally ready, let's make it October!'

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"Weeds are like kids. They grow up so fast."

"I needed a gig to tide me over between baby booms."

"Really? After all these years of you begging me to let you come and howl at the moon, now that you're a teenager, it's not cool to be seen with your dad!"

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

'Ted, you won't climb the corporate ladder if you keep taking paternity leave!'

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

"You'll find they stay pretty needy 'til about 300 months."

'When are you going to take it out of its original package?'

'Well, great! I raise you to be a vicious bird of prey, and you wanna be a songbird!'

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'My kids don't understand me.'

Children.

"I was hoping you'd have outgrown that by now."

"... and they never write or visit!"

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

'He was raised by sparrows!'