Parenthood Realist Gifts

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

Yummy Mummy.

Baby pram as a tank

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

Mr. & Mrs. Stickfigure are expecting twins.

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

"And what qualifications do you bring to the table beyond being first in line?"

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

'Mom says she has a souffl

'You're due in September, however, since you're not mentally ready, let's make it October!'

"The main skill you need in parenting, is the ability to surreptitiously eat chocolate."

"Yes, "breeding like rabbits" is often used in a pejorative sense. The truth is, we don't care as we love having kids..."

"I needed a gig to tide me over between baby booms."

"Really? After all these years of you begging me to let you come and howl at the moon, now that you're a teenager, it's not cool to be seen with your dad!"

"Weeds are like kids. They grow up so fast."

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'We've created a teenager!'

IVF assessment centre.

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

'Parents are so inconsistent. They spend all day avoiding soil loss and all night promoting it.'

'It's not that I don't want more kids Victoria, I'm worried I won't have enough skin for their names.'

Maternity Arrivals

'When are you going to take it out of its original package?'

'Ted, you won't climb the corporate ladder if you keep taking paternity leave!'

"You'll find they stay pretty needy 'til about 300 months."

How Moms explain.

"I know he's little, but he uses it."

'Well, great! I raise you to be a vicious bird of prey, and you wanna be a songbird!'

'You know, it's amazing what having a child costs you when you add it all up.'

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

'Slap me and I'll see you in court.'

"He seems to be a bit of a crybaby."