Relativity Humorist Gifts

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

'Houston, I'm prepared to land...'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"You're going to hate yourself."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

The Solar System (after deregulation)

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Good Lord! Life on Mars...adorable life on Mars!"

"Abduction 101, when abducting eggs from a primitive planet always lower the temperature in the ship!"

"Gee, thanks pal."

"Frankly, I can't wait until I evolve into a bird..."

C'mon, it'll be fun! I'll throw on some stars, pop in a few planets, drum up a life form or two, and this place will be hoppin'! The Big Shebang Theory.

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

God Sneezes Out Creation

"Sometimes Peter I wish it would just stay as water."

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

Chemist builds animals instead of molecular models

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

'...heard the one about the Venusian, the Martian and the Saturnian?'

Clown God

"Well, that certainly killed my buzz."

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

Optimist

Man at penthouse party walks out onto terrace and is startled to see the Earth, instead of the moon, shining in the sky.

She loves to play with string theory.

"You're calling it love, but it's really just static electricity."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

When bacteria trash talk to antibodies. Oh yeah?! You and what course of antibiotics?!

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."