Literalist Humorist Gifts

"Gone to mother. Your dinner's on television!"

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"You're going to hate yourself."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"...You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here... You talking to me?!" "Narcissus De Niro"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"A whack, whack here. A whack, whack there. Here a whack, there a whack. Everywhere a whack, whack."

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

The Forbidden Joyce Kilmer

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

Optimist

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."