Literalist Humorist Pillows

"Gone to mother. Your dinner's on television!"

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Torturing the English Language

"You're going to hate yourself."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"A whack, whack here. A whack, whack there. Here a whack, there a whack. Everywhere a whack, whack."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"...You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here... You talking to me?!" "Narcissus De Niro"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

The Forbidden Joyce Kilmer

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

Optimist

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,