Literal Humorist Pillows

"You're going to hate yourself."

"You're history, Leonard."

"Shall I rush right out and blow some goblets?"

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'I think the new V. P. of Global Development is here.'

"...You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here... You talking to me?!" "Narcissus De Niro"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"A whack, whack here. A whack, whack there. Here a whack, there a whack. Everywhere a whack, whack."

The devil you know and his plus one

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

The Forbidden Joyce Kilmer

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I don't think the employees like me.'

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,