Literature Humorist Pillows

Pip Is Found In Possession Of A Controlled Substance

'Dogs are from Mars, cats are from Venus.'

'I wrote a wine book this thick because I intend to hit my biggest critic over the head with it.'

'It's just more pro-parent spin.'

Dorian Cow's attic.

Empty 'Abduction' Bookshelf

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Copycats

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

I will study my speling words...

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"You're going to hate yourself."

THE PIED PIPER OF GRAMERCY PARK

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"Don't worry about your purchase not working. Everything we sell here is totally non-functional."

Outer Space Outsourcing

"But everyone is befuddled by math."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

"Well, isn't that embarrassing."

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

"When is my next parole hearing?"