Relativity Humorist Pillows

'Houston, I'm prepared to land...'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"You're going to hate yourself."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

The Solar System (after deregulation)

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Abduction 101, when abducting eggs from a primitive planet always lower the temperature in the ship!"

"Frankly, I can't wait until I evolve into a bird..."

"Gee, thanks pal."

"Good Lord! Life on Mars...adorable life on Mars!"

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

God Sneezes Out Creation

Chemist builds animals instead of molecular models

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Sometimes Peter I wish it would just stay as water."

Clown God

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

'...heard the one about the Venusian, the Martian and the Saturnian?'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

Optimist

Man at penthouse party walks out onto terrace and is startled to see the Earth, instead of the moon, shining in the sky.

She loves to play with string theory.

"You're calling it love, but it's really just static electricity."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."