Relationship Therapist Gifts

"Maybe you ought to consider making love in the morning - before you have a chance to piss each other off."

Relate 'She's got all the faults, yet I'm the one who's over-critical'

You were warned about mixed marriages.

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

'Margaret. I feel that we must talk about our relationship.'

Punch and Judy wait outside marriage guidance consellor's office.

"We've been happily married for five years. Next week we celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary."

Mime marriage.

Coupler Counselling

"Death, death, death! That's all he ever talks about!"

"Are we sexually compatible? Well, we both get headaches at the same time..."

"You both say you disagree on everything, so you see, you do agree on something."

'I'm a perfectionist. I was perfectly happy when we were perfect strangers.'

"He keeps moaning on about how he needs space!"

". . . but it's quite a small couch, don't you agree?"

"And don't get me started on his irritating hissy-fits!"

It's a shared responsibility... you're not right and I'm not wrong.

"He somehow managed to show up for this, but the rest of the time I can never find him!"

"The secret of our relationship? Easy. She just acts as if I don't even exist."

"So, how are we doing with our trust issues?"

"I'm a dish, not a bowl. This was never going to work."

"He's constantly threatening me! If I hear, 'This is where I put my foot down,' one more time..."

"When I refer to your blubber, I just mean there's more of you to love."

"He thinks he never makes mistakes."

"I'm tired of him having all the power in this relationship."

"What's happened to us, when we first met we just clicked, now it's drag, pinch, swipe..."

"Of course I try to communicate with him - I update my blog almost daily."

'He's got 99 problems but his Bitch aint one!'

Tom had considerable emotional baggage.

Relate counsellor: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

'Frigid - who's frigid? - just ask Alistair and Simon and Brett and that chap who came to fix the blinds.'

"If you're here to lecture me about wife-beating; I gave that up years ago."

'We haven't had lift-off since Apollo 11...'

"We just seem to have grown apart over the years"

Marriage counselor, living together counselor or a just screwing around counselor.