Relationship Advice Reader Gifts

"I'm not sure why my marriage ended. I'm still waiting for the forensic report."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'You know too much!'

Try Mediation

Window Treatment

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"My computer just texted me."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

WHO checklist

(Diamonds shining, … Dancing, dining, …with some man in a restaurant. Is that all you really want?) (Are you making this up?) (Unsophisticated Lady)

Preying mantis marriage councellor.

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

'Harlow, why can't you be passionate like Mel Gibson?'

"It will be all your fault."

"...and do you agree to accept him as he is, and not try to change him?"

Hollywood Breakup

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Snow White and her husband go for counselling.