Relationship Adviser Gifts

'It's good for a married couple to eat out. You go Wednesdays and I'll go Saturdays!'

I don't know what to say, I'm sorry you guys broke up...

'Your new suitor is a nice man and all but he's rather like a statue!'

"Dad-it's HIM again for Sis-the one you said must have a screw loose!"

'I don't know how many times I told Fred that being a heterosexual praying mantis was going to get him killed one of these days.'

"The perfume is only £20, the antidote is £250!"

The Land of the Bong Tree

'He has delusions of grandeur. He thinks I'm in love with him.'

You have to ask yourself the tough questions before marriage, like, 'Is THIS the man I'll want to sue for alimony in five years?'

"...for better OR worse, not AND."

"Really? You've never been divorced? I don't think I've ever met anyone who wasn't divorced at least once!"

"Or you could just give me half your stuff now and save us all the trouble."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

Relationship Warning Lights

"You've changed."

'You know too much!'

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

Try Mediation

Window Treatment

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."