Relationship Adviser Gifts

'It's good for a married couple to eat out. You go Wednesdays and I'll go Saturdays!'

I don't know what to say, I'm sorry you guys broke up...

'Your new suitor is a nice man and all but he's rather like a statue!'

"Dad-it's HIM again for Sis-the one you said must have a screw loose!"

'I don't know how many times I told Fred that being a heterosexual praying mantis was going to get him killed one of these days.'

"The perfume is only £20, the antidote is £250!"

The Land of the Bong Tree

'He has delusions of grandeur. He thinks I'm in love with him.'

You have to ask yourself the tough questions before marriage, like, 'Is THIS the man I'll want to sue for alimony in five years?'

"...for better OR worse, not AND."

"Really? You've never been divorced? I don't think I've ever met anyone who wasn't divorced at least once!"

"Or you could just give me half your stuff now and save us all the trouble."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

'You know too much!'

Relationship Warning Lights

"You've changed."

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

Try Mediation

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

Window Treatment

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."