Relationship Expert Gifts

"Yes, insomnia, anxiety and irritability are side effects...of being married."

'We've been playing house for 5 minutes, and she's already nagging me to get a job.'

'Communication's the key to getting along with Alvin - As long as we avoid any everything's fine.'

'Hell's freezing over. The only thing I can figure is that a couple got through a whole prenup process without a single fight.'

'You've changed since we got married.'

"I assume that's a no?"

"I'm sorry, did you say something you haven't already said a million times before?"

'If we want this relationship to work, we'll have to start communicating. I'll go first - get your feet off the table.'

"Just tell us who's winning."

"Give me a clue, Sally - was it something I said or something I did?"

"Let's not look at it from another point of view shall we?"

"I guess it really is over. She gave me back my flea and tick collar."

'You look familiar. Have we met in a previous wife?'

"After 30 years of marriage I still remember the good times, both of them."

'Of course I like your new boyfriend. He lives along with his mom too!'

'You are morally bankrupt. However, I'm offering a bailout package which permits sloth, envy and limited gluttony.'

Duck, duck, goose.

"Help him, or I don't vouch for myself..."

'We were made for each other - it was loathe at first sight.'

'My wife evolved into a land-dweller with another fish!'

'Admit it - you've never liked my imaginary friends.'

'Okay, then I get the Corvette ... '

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

''Nothing' is the calm before the storm, and should not be taken at face value...'

"He's gonna need more than a Ph.D."

"I'm going to a Halloween party as you."

"This isn't working. I'm putting you on a plane back to Ohio."

"Captain, we're headed straight toward a big gaping hole of needs!"

"I'm just as ambivalent about her as the day we met, fifty years ago."

"Did you know. . . that you are the product of 3.6 bullion years of evolutionary success?. . . But you still forgot to put the bins out."

DOUBLE SAFE SEX "Good idea - I'll wear mine and you'll wear yours."

"Meet Sally, the latest in my seemingly unending series of summer blockbusters."

"Suddenly, you've gone all kind around the eyes."

Through the Doggie Door

"There are some things that are not funny, and sex is one of them!"