Relationship Expert Pillows

'Well I'm sorry Michael, but size does matter to me.'

'Wow. You really can't hear a thing on this end.'

'We've been playing house for 5 minutes, and she's already nagging me to get a job.'

"Yes, insomnia, anxiety and irritability are side effects...of being married."

'Honestly! You really ought to see someone about that cough of yours.'

'You've changed since we got married.'

'Communication's the key to getting along with Alvin - As long as we avoid any everything's fine.'

'Hell's freezing over. The only thing I can figure is that a couple got through a whole prenup process without a single fight.'

"I guess it really is over. She gave me back my flea and tick collar."

'You look familiar. Have we met in a previous wife?'

'Of course I like your new boyfriend. He lives along with his mom too!'

'My wife evolved into a land-dweller with another fish!'

"Help him, or I don't vouch for myself..."

Duck, duck, goose.

"Just tell us who's winning."

"Let's not look at it from another point of view shall we?"

'Okay, then I get the Corvette ... '

'She seems to think I only have one thing on my mind.'

"After 30 years of marriage I still remember the good times, both of them."

"I assume that's a no?"

''Nothing' is the calm before the storm, and should not be taken at face value...'

'We were made for each other - it was loathe at first sight.'

"Give me a clue, Sally - was it something I said or something I did?"

'You are morally bankrupt. However, I'm offering a bailout package which permits sloth, envy and limited gluttony.'

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

"I'm sorry, did you say something you haven't already said a million times before?"

'Admit it - you've never liked my imaginary friends.'

'If we want this relationship to work, we'll have to start communicating. I'll go first - get your feet off the table.'

"Let's talk about it in the morning."

Why'd You Think

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

The Joy of Procreational Sex

Through the Doggie Door

"Did you know. . . that you are the product of 3.6 bullion years of evolutionary success?. . . But you still forgot to put the bins out."

"Captain, we're headed straight toward a big gaping hole of needs!"