Relationship Expert Wannabe Pillows

"I don't want self-help, I want beyond help!"

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Stepping on the gown never works. They run faster without it."

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'You know too much!'

Frank was certain his Bird of Paradise mating dance would press all the right buttons with Margaret.

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"We've discovered they mate for life, as long as they don't discuss politics."

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

Relationship Warning Lights

Understanding The Other Side, Whether Men, Women, or Mice.

"I think we'd make a good team!"

$1: Family Secrets

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"If you let down your guard, I'll walk over the moat."

"Well, you both sleep eighteen hours a day, so try to coordinate this to find a window for some quality time together..."

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

Large Emoticon Collider

"I love it when we clear up issues between us."

Love Conquers All

"Now there's a relationship that's working!"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."