Relationship Advisers Gifts

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

'I'm not the sort of guy who would kiss and tell.'

"It's not you, I just prefer big dogs."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'You know too much!'

Try Mediation

Window Treatment

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

WHO checklist

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Men can keep a secret, but it takes a woman to tell them that it was supposed to be a secret!"

"Look - I'm cold, you're cold. Why don't we settle down and start a family?"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

Awkward First Dates

"My computer just texted me."

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

'You've changed since we got married.'