Relationship Advice Fan Gifts

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'You know too much!'

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

WHO checklist

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"It will be all your fault."

Snow White and her husband go for counselling.

Preying mantis marriage councellor.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

A Reasonable Time for Concern

'How long have you been fighting?'