Relationship Advice Fan Pillows

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'You know too much!'

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

WHO checklist

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

(Diamonds shining, … Dancing, dining, …with some man in a restaurant. Is that all you really want?) (Are you making this up?) (Unsophisticated Lady)

"It will be all your fault."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Snow White and her husband go for counselling.

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

Preying mantis marriage councellor.

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

A Reasonable Time for Concern