Relationship Advice Enthusiast Pillows

"Our guest is Dr. Paul Veblin, renowned marriage counselor and resident of nearby Southport, where he lives with his 6th wife."

'I don't want you to run off, like all my other dates, when I mention the possibility of marriage. Will you please tie your shoe laces together?'

Health and Safety to Ban Marriage

"I'm dating a milliner..."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

'You know too much!'

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to take this marriage full-throttle."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

Paint pots in love

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

Urns in love

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

WHO checklist

(Man with 'BEFORE sign): 'My wife says I'm a work-in-progress.'

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"I opened the last of the emergency wine."

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

Snow White and her husband go for counselling.

"It will be all your fault."

"Take a look - that's us in ninety years."

"I'm not laughing at you, dear-I'm laughing with everyone but you."

Preying mantis marriage councellor.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'