Recovering From Heart Surgery Gifts

"This new pacemaker is designed for your heart, it also streams Wikipedia information directly to your brain."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'He's been like this ever since he had his laser eye treatment.'

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

"The good news is that your cardiac surgery was a complete success. The bad news is that we had to remove the song from your heart."

'He usually doesn't follow medical advice, but when the doctor told him to learn to relax...'

No caption. (Man wearing a cast is in traction. He imagines sheep lining up to jump fence. Sheep also wear casts.)

They've been inseparable since the avalanche.

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

'After giving a recorded statement to these people, being grilled by 60 Minutes would seem like a piece of cake.'

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"She keeps getting a stitch in her side."

"Picasso: Post cataract surgery."

En garde!

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'I did have a tummy-tuck...But I opted for reconstruction surgery at the same time.'

"These are X-Rays of your operation, and this is a selfie I took with your gall bladder."

"I don't want any old ones, I want my own back..."

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

Well, the doctor said you have to wear it until you stop biting your stitches.

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

'Henry had a successful animal organ transplant - isn't that right, Henry?'

'It will be a difficult adjustment, but it doesn't mean you can't still live a full and rewarding life, say, in the library, or even a miniature golf course.'

EAR, NOSE AND THROAT CLINIC: "You want me to drive?"

"I didn't see the coffee table in the middle of the room, due to my visual impairment, caused by the rubbish light emitted by the government approved 150 watt energy saving bulb in my apartment..."

"I just can't get over how well you look!"

Your heart is doing well with the pig valve we put in. Now, what was your question?

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."