Recovering From Surgery Gifts

"We began with a hip replacement and just sort of riffed off that."

Good News, Bad News - Save the Leg.

'We've decided to keep the hip, and replace the rest of you.'

Hipness Replacement Surgery.

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

'So, for the next three months while your brain is healing, one of our neurology volunteers, Karl, will be helping you think.'

'Wait ‘til you see the video I uploaded of you coming out of anesthesia. It's HILARIOUS!'

"You'll be discharged quickly after surgery and placed in our mobile recovery unit: a taxi home."

"You may be a little sore when you come to, until the swelling goes down."

'It's just a simple operation. Routine. Boring. I'm only doing it for the money.'

"...and how long have you had no feeling in your left foot?"

"Mr Miller has bowel trouble."

'I'll have you out of bed and on your foot in no time.'

'Your insurance company wouldn't cover anesthesia, but they did buy the medical staff earmuffs to protect ours ears from your screaming.'

'You'll be in stitches after the surgery, so it will only hurt when you laugh.'

Organ Transplant Service - "Rather ironic isn't it...we need a new pump."

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

'Serves you right, just tearing open the charge card bill and reading it like that!!'

'My doctor told me to get more exercise...'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

"Hey, I'm just happy the transplant worked at all."

'Sit down, Dave. You're not impressing anyone with your new laser-eye treatment.'

'Great news, Mrs. Janoski! We put a video of your tummy-tuck surgery on YouTube, and it's currently ranked second!'

'Gee!'

'You'll turn into a butterfly.'

"You're the first case ever to have a severed spine completely regenerated by use of adult stem cells, and the stem cells were taken from your nose. How do you feel?" "Good, but once in awhile I get a SNIFF back."

'Your husband was in the rough...I mean...it was rough going there for a while, but he played through, um, pulled through just fine and the operation left only one small divot...er...uh...scar that barely shows.'

"I see the gastric bypass seems to be working."

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you which room the star basketball player is recovering in.'

"I'm afraid there is no cheaper, generic version of a triple bypass."

'You call all this a side-effect?'

"See? Right there - my wedding ring."

"It was touch and go for a while, but he's out of the woods now!"

Oh dear. I think your body rejected your cornea transplant.

Patient