Quizzical Quipper Pillows

Death Watch

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'If it 'tells' the time, why do I have to look at it?'

'Is the water cold?'

Ostrich Curoisities

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

'My dentist recommended it.'

Expressions of mystery.

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

Official Seal

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

'I like it.'

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

'Am I covered if a car falls on my tree?'

"Do you think it's an accident of history that Freemasons live in houses and we live in trees?"

"Larry, did you water the plant?"

'Somebody spiked the punch!'

Wow! — this discredits all my theories.

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

Frequently Asked Questions