Quirky Quipsters Pillows

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Glance Exchange

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"It's just a tree."

"How about a hand."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'The Lemming Book Store'

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"I cross the road to forget."

'You can't come in here with that.'

Self Help / Elf Help.

'We have a P-O-P display for our new perfume. Can we move the beef jerky down a smidge?'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'