Quirky Quip Lover Pillows

'Any chance of a drink while she's sorting out the taxi fare?'

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"You left this on our ship."

"We have to take that science away from Tommy...he's genetically modified the cat!"

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

"Sorry sir - the self-propelling pencils have all just walked out..."

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

"You don't know me well enough to not care how I look."

"Fresh pepper?"

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

My parents ate New York and all I got was this stupid t-shirt

Andy Oxidant meets Free Radical.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Has anyone turned in a chicken?"

'So,,,apparently you're really a dude,'

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"Not tonight. The furniture is sentient again."

"Yes, alright! I know it's a small mountain... I'm only a novice oracle."

Armed dogs wait for hot dog vendor.

'Can I have flies with that'

"John, wake up, I think the mattress has stopped breathing."

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

"Daddy is off to work in a data mine."

'I'm not sure which I like best - the fake fire or the fake man with brandy glass in front of it.'

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'