Quaint Quip Enthusiast Pillows

"I've had the bean curd low mein, the kung po gai ding, and the fortune cookie and, believe me, hands down, the fortune cookie wins every time."

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

The Thinker. The Listener

"I love this time of year."

'I've discovered a talking amoeba!' '2+2=4, 5-4=1, 93=3.' SMASH 'I wanted to get it before it multiplied.'

Cell phones seem as if they are designed for a T-Rex!

"He painted 300 pictures in his lifetime. 1000 of which are in England."

"If all you have is a whatchamacallit then every problem looks like a thingamajig."

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure."

A lesson in wit

'Life is like a box of chocolate laxatives!' - Forest Grump

'Now THAT'S what I call a love seat!'

Noah's lesser known brother.

'Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be sober, and you'll still be a giraffe!'

Death Watch

Know-it-alls

"Yeah, I know why you pulled me over. But, c'mon. I'm down to half a pack a day and I'm tryin' to quit."

'Naw, man! I ain't never worked in no animal hospital...'

Jungle dweller swings from outhouse with toilet paper stuck to his foot.

'With Myrna and I, it was love at first slight.'

"At work, they call me benchmark."

Hoppers leave Luke's Pub at the end of Hoppy Hour.

In Case of An Irresistable Urge to Break Something

"You're not from around here...are you?"

If I may paraphrase an old saying, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to urinate like racehorses." ! !

'You can't make a wit out of two half wits.'

Why do we have pistols? I thought we were back-to-back to see who is taller!

'How much would you charge to kill my husband'

'I never know when you're joking!'

"I just got accepted to Yale." "I'd jump up and down for joy but my boobs are just way too big for that nonsense."

World's Worst Triathlete.

What did you see when you looked into my eyes, doctor? Two limpid pools. But I'm trying to control myself.

'Creepy.'

Your honor, would you please instruct the witness to stop texting on his cell phone during my cross-examination? I would, but I'm the person he's texting.