Quirky Quip Collector Pillows

'Somebody spiked the punch!'

"May you love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching, and chase squirrels at the speed of light."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'According to this, you ate all the pies.'

"He painted 300 pictures in his lifetime. 1000 of which are in England."

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

"Paper or plastic?"

Biliard Enthusiast

Mafia Family Life: 'I'm sorry dear - but I had to bring some work home!'

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'Don't be alarmed - I'm a proctologist.'

'I don't care how smart you think you are, you're still a bird brain.'

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

Ed Revere, Spam Courier

Cafe: 'Soup of the day, Hon, is 'primordial'.'

'I'd say your vision is being affected by an arrow through your head, but perhaps you'd like to get a second opinion from an eye specialist.'

The Month of June

'I'm typecast!'

'Looks like we've got ourselves another cow jacking.'

"Trust me—sex sells."

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

"Our steaks are unusually tough tonight."

"It's windy outside. I better not hear you've been hanging out in the grocery store parking lot."

Misfortune cookies

Penfriend

Don't give up - Surrender.

Cedric instantly regretted 'pumping up the jam...'

"Sure my first quote was less. That was before I found the body in the wall."

'Should I have a baby after 35?' 'Isn't 35 children enough?'

'I say, it really shows off your astigmatism to its greatest advantage, doesn't it?'

Woman in a card shop sees an 'Out Of Section' - Patience, Of Work, Nowhere, Your Mind.

How about my dinner?

Your DNA on a Stick

'Hey, Fred, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?'