Quirky Quip Collector Gifts

'Somebody spiked the punch!'

"May you love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching, and chase squirrels at the speed of light."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'According to this, you ate all the pies.'

Mafia Family Life: 'I'm sorry dear - but I had to bring some work home!'

"He painted 300 pictures in his lifetime. 1000 of which are in England."

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

"Paper or plastic?"

Biliard Enthusiast

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'I don't care how smart you think you are, you're still a bird brain.'

'Don't be alarmed - I'm a proctologist.'

'I'd say your vision is being affected by an arrow through your head, but perhaps you'd like to get a second opinion from an eye specialist.'

The Month of June

Cafe: 'Soup of the day, Hon, is 'primordial'.'

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

Ed Revere, Spam Courier

'I'm typecast!'

"Trust me—sex sells."

'Looks like we've got ourselves another cow jacking.'

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Penfriend

Cedric instantly regretted 'pumping up the jam...'

"Our steaks are unusually tough tonight."

Misfortune cookies

Tonight's specials are printed on the side of the barn. ? Bar.

"It's windy outside. I better not hear you've been hanging out in the grocery store parking lot."

Don't give up - Surrender.

"Sure my first quote was less. That was before I found the body in the wall."

'Should I have a baby after 35?' 'Isn't 35 children enough?'

'TB or not TB, that is the question.'

Woman in a card shop sees an 'Out Of Section' - Patience, Of Work, Nowhere, Your Mind.

'Hey, Fred, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?'

How about my dinner?

'I do know the capital of France. It's the letter 'F'!'