Collector Of Quips Pillows

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

'Bert's dog training.'

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

"Eat me"

The Snarky District

"Do we have to go to the beach? I think the airline mixed up my luggage."

A 'Falling Rock' and a 'Deer Crossing' zone.

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

Cake Free Zone

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

"Oh, this old thing?"

"Fantastic! Do you realize what we've just stumbled upon? It's the fabled Lost Glove Compartment of the Ancient Astronauts!"

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

Man falls in water Title: 'Willis was always an overachiever.'

The Tale of the Tape of the Tail.

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

A watch face with Stonehenge

Whatís that, boy? Youíre too tired for a walk and you just want to watch TV?

'Forget worms. Think fast food.'

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

Vanna White: The Later Years.

Clown to clown on unicycle: 'How does it corner?'

'You've got the wrong idiot, number.'

Bathroom Fairy

Mortally Wounded at the Battle of Quebec, General James Wolfe Forgets His Last Words

'Take my advice kid. Enjoy yourself now, because once you get married, your free ranging days are over.'