Collector Of Quips Pillows

They've got birthday cards out already and it's not anywhere near my birthday!

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Bert's dog training.'

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

"Eat me"

"Oh, this old thing?"

Cake Free Zone

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

"Do we have to go to the beach? I think the airline mixed up my luggage."

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

The Snarky District

A 'Falling Rock' and a 'Deer Crossing' zone.

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

Man falls in water Title: 'Willis was always an overachiever.'

Easter Island Shades...

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

A watch face with Stonehenge

The Tale of the Tape of the Tail.

"Fantastic! Do you realize what we've just stumbled upon? It's the fabled Lost Glove Compartment of the Ancient Astronauts!"

Whatís that, boy? Youíre too tired for a walk and you just want to watch TV?

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

Bathroom Fairy

Vanna White: The Later Years.

'Forget worms. Think fast food.'

Clown to clown on unicycle: 'How does it corner?'

'You've got the wrong idiot, number.'

Mortally Wounded at the Battle of Quebec, General James Wolfe Forgets His Last Words