Clever Quippers Pillows

"I didn't know how to complete a crossword until I filled in all the blanks..."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Is the water cold?'

"He painted 300 pictures in his lifetime. 1000 of which are in England."

Official Seal

Death Watch

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

'You can't make a wit out of two half wits.'

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

'I do know the capital of France. It's the letter 'F'!'

'Somebody spiked the punch!'

"'No' to that, too, eh? Then, may I suggest something we were going to throw out?"

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

'You wouldn't be so quiet either if you had to sit on this board!'

"Where's the damn bottle-opener?" "It's his day off, sir."

'They're called 'ladies in waiting,' not 'those broads downstairs'!'

Hanging Fire

"If I had that much money to give to the democratic party, I'd be a Republican."

'Does he bite?'

"I bet those candles are heavier than the cake!"

'Any chance of a drink while she's sorting out the taxi fare?'

'Dill! Stop being a freakish modern day cow-relic chewing throwback! Ok?'

"Since we don't do payback dinners, how does eighty bucks sound for the reasonably decent evening I think we've all had?"

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Man Eater

"The antiperspirant keeps you from sizzling and the deodorant keeps you from smelling like bacon."