Clever Quippers Pillows

"I didn't know how to complete a crossword until I filled in all the blanks..."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Is the water cold?'

"He painted 300 pictures in his lifetime. 1000 of which are in England."

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

Official Seal

The refinancing didn't come through -- I say we just walk away from the project.

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Death Watch

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

Over. Under. Sideways. Kid.

'You can't make a wit out of two half wits.'

"'No' to that, too, eh? Then, may I suggest something we were going to throw out?"

'I do know the capital of France. It's the letter 'F'!'

'Somebody spiked the punch!'

I don't like it when lawyers put coffee on my desk. Relax, judge. It's tequila.

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

'You wouldn't be so quiet either if you had to sit on this board!'

Gordon Ramsay's Own Brand

Are the flies in your soup free range? Menu.

"Where's the damn bottle-opener?" "It's his day off, sir."

'They're called 'ladies in waiting,' not 'those broads downstairs'!'

Hanging Fire

"If I had that much money to give to the democratic party, I'd be a Republican."

'Does he bite?'

"I bet those candles are heavier than the cake!"

'Any chance of a drink while she's sorting out the taxi fare?'

"Since we don't do payback dinners, how does eighty bucks sound for the reasonably decent evening I think we've all had?"

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Man Eater

They've got birthday cards out already and it's not anywhere near my birthday!

'Dill! Stop being a freakish modern day cow-relic chewing throwback! Ok?'