Quips Pillows

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Hanging Fire

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

Death Watch

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

The refinancing didn't come through -- I say we just walk away from the project.

'You can't make a wit out of two half wits.'

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

"Our steaks are unusually tough tonight."

'I do know the capital of France. It's the letter 'F'!'

'Somebody spiked the punch!'

I don't like it when lawyers put coffee on my desk. Relax, judge. It's tequila.

"What town are we in??"

'You wouldn't be so quiet either if you had to sit on this board!'

Gordon Ramsay's Own Brand

"Where's the damn bottle-opener?" "It's his day off, sir."

"I've had the bean curd low mein, the kung po gai ding, and the fortune cookie and, believe me, hands down, the fortune cookie wins every time."

"I bet those candles are heavier than the cake!"

'Does he bite?'

'Any chance of a drink while she's sorting out the taxi fare?'

Last Post

They've got birthday cards out already and it's not anywhere near my birthday!

"They named me Brockton, after one HELL of a town in Massachusetts."

"I didn't know how to complete a crossword until I filled in all the blanks..."

'Your package has to be in Kansas City by Friday? - Well, aren't YOU a needy fellow!'

"The antiperspirant keeps you from sizzling and the deodorant keeps you from smelling like bacon."

He didn't have surgery. He's just ugly.

"I'm not doing the quick step, I need the loo!"