Comedic Quippers Pillows

"I bet those candles are heavier than the cake!"

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

"The subwoofers really help."

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

'What I meant by 'quark' in 'Finnegans Wake' was a hypothetical particle with a fractional electric charge.

Newton discovers surrealism

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Death Watch

'It wasn't the strength of your argument. It was your breath.'

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

Large Hadron Colliider-scope

Robot porn.

Fisherman Funneral

'To cure your dog I suggest you change your aftershave lotion, Mr Lutshbuddle.'

Eggs That Were Anagarms In Past Lives -'Unscramble Me'.

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

Funeral for a Cartoonist

"That's the plus of our lifestyle: The trophy hunters just look at us, sigh and move on..."

"I understand she's marrying him for his condominium in Fort Lauderdale."

Sign on shop: Headquarters: 'Business People for Peace'. Man walks out of shop wearing t-shirt with slogan 'Make money not war'.