Comedic Quippers Gifts

"I bet those candles are heavier than the cake!"

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

"The subwoofers really help."

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

'What I meant by 'quark' in 'Finnegans Wake' was a hypothetical particle with a fractional electric charge.

Newton discovers surrealism

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

Death Watch

'It wasn't the strength of your argument. It was your breath.'

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Large Hadron Colliider-scope

'This is a first Mr Cowbird. You've contracted mad cow disase and the bird flu!'

Robot porn.

'To cure your dog I suggest you change your aftershave lotion, Mr Lutshbuddle.'

Online articles are fine, but I miss being annoyed by the fragrance sample cards in print magazines.

"That's the plus of our lifestyle: The trophy hunters just look at us, sigh and move on..."

Eggs That Were Anagarms In Past Lives -'Unscramble Me'.

Funeral for a Cartoonist

Fisherman Funneral

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

"I understand she's marrying him for his condominium in Fort Lauderdale."

Sign on shop: Headquarters: 'Business People for Peace'. Man walks out of shop wearing t-shirt with slogan 'Make money not war'.