Comical Quip Lover Gifts

'You wouldn't be so quiet either if you had to sit on this board!'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"You left this on our ship."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"Look! No hands!"

Crap from the future.

"We have to take that science away from Tommy...he's genetically modified the cat!"

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

Astral Projection

"Sorry sir - the self-propelling pencils have all just walked out..."

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

Andy Oxidant meets Free Radical.

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

He wanted a different one.

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"Daddy is off to work in a data mine."

'So,,,apparently you're really a dude,'

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

"John, wake up, I think the mattress has stopped breathing."

"Yes, alright! I know it's a small mountain... I'm only a novice oracle."

The Hammer

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"You are still here."

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

'Can I have flies with that'

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'It's a giant inkblot on loan from the psychiatrist who owns the unit next door.'

The Monroe Doctrine