Quippy Humor Fan Gifts

"We'd like you to be the quirky but lovable teen-age daughter,"

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

Skipping Horse

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Actually, make that a double cream."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"You left this on our ship."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

Theatre Masks and Butts

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

"We have to take that science away from Tommy...he's genetically modified the cat!"

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

Introducing...Anagraman.

Blind man walking a tortoise.

"Bless You."

"Sorry sir - the self-propelling pencils have all just walked out..."

Astral Projection

"Fresh pepper?"

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

Dog in casino.

'It's the same everywhere: body over brains.'

Scene from 'Night of the Koala'

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

'Check out the old dude.'

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

Next year, we are NOT going to Costco.