Comedic Chuckler Gifts

"The subwoofers really help."

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

Man sees line of priests entering Mass Transit Authority.

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

"Mom, are we vegetarians for ethical or religious reasons?"

'You were afraid for the drill?'

'Bless you!'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

All Day Parking $1. Leave keys. It may be necessary to move your car to a more convenient spot.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

-What did the carrot say to the onion? -What? -Nothing, vegetables don't talk!

"I'm not on the train today dear, I've got flu."

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

"I just talked to Grunzman on the phone when he called in sick...I fear he really has got something very, very highly contagious!"

"There's only one of them roaming around now. The others are in self-isolation."