Cynical Chuckler Gifts

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

Sen. Krupt. I can't believe how little I was offered for my seat --- It's hardly been used!

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'

"It's like this, kid - you're best friends, you shake hands...then they demand you go fetch something!'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby boy!'

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"The subwoofers really help."

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

The finer points of marriage.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

'...and on that you have my word.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

Quick Confessional Box - 8 sins or less.

"Oh, oh - looks like a blue shift."

"But is it art ?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

The Big Four debate banking ethics

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow finally landed on the moon.