Cynical Chuckler Gifts

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'

"It's like this, kid - you're best friends, you shake hands...then they demand you go fetch something!'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby boy!'

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"The subwoofers really help."

The finer points of marriage.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

"Oh, oh - looks like a blue shift."

Quick Confessional Box - 8 sins or less.

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

"But is it art ?"

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow finally landed on the moon.

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

"MY dad says that a man calls himself a bachelor until he gets married. Then he calls himself a bl**dy fool."

"I have nothing to hide."

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.