Ironic Chuckler Gifts

"Take your pick.."

'I'm fed up with this hosepipe ban... I mean, it's not like we really need one.'

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

'Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby boy!'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Cafe investors: I'd like your support in acquiring the lemonade stand down the street. By cutting redundant labor, marketing and technology. I place our annual savings at $17 billion. The phone company investors bought it. Can monkey lick your head?

"The subwoofers really help."

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

Jesus Christ

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'...and on that you have my word.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

The Big Four debate banking ethics

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

'You were afraid for the drill?'

'Bless you!'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

"There's only one of them roaming around now. The others are in self-isolation."

Thank God for the misfits and dregs of society!