Ironic Chuckler Pillows

"Take your pick.."

'I'm fed up with this hosepipe ban... I mean, it's not like we really need one.'

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

'Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby boy!'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"The subwoofers really help."

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

Jesus Christ

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

'You were afraid for the drill?'

'Bless you!'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

Thank God for the misfits and dregs of society!

"I just talked to Grunzman on the phone when he called in sick...I fear he really has got something very, very highly contagious!"

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

"There's only one of them roaming around now. The others are in self-isolation."