Spontaneous Chuckler Pillows

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"The subwoofers really help."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

Jesus Christ

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

'If you must laugh, will you do it in the humour section please?'

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

Man sees line of priests entering Mass Transit Authority.

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

"Gesundheit!"

Fisherman buying fish on the way home...!

"You have a very long fault line. That's why your hands are trembling."

"I keep getting into a flap."

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Man tries to shake clinging dog off his leg. Dog says to another dog: 'I suppose you could say I'm a people person.'

All Day Parking $1. Leave keys. It may be necessary to move your car to a more convenient spot.

-What did the carrot say to the onion? -What? -Nothing, vegetables don't talk!

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

"I'm not on the train today dear, I've got flu."

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'

Thank God for the misfits and dregs of society!

"Our charity would appreciate a donation, but I am not willing to fight you for it."

An idle lap is the devil's workbench.

'Forget the golf. I just got a nibble!'

"Some say the world will end in noodles, some say in rice."

'Oh no! Not another customer looking for a mortgage...'

'Never ever will I move by train again.'