Spontaneous Chuckler Pillows

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

"The subwoofers really help."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

Jesus Christ

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

The Big Four debate banking ethics

'If you must laugh, will you do it in the humour section please?'

Man sees line of priests entering Mass Transit Authority.

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

"Gesundheit!"

Fisherman buying fish on the way home...!

'Time's up, chuckles.'

"You have a very long fault line. That's why your hands are trembling."

"I keep getting into a flap."

Man tries to shake clinging dog off his leg. Dog says to another dog: 'I suppose you could say I'm a people person.'

Yoga - moooooooo.

All Day Parking $1. Leave keys. It may be necessary to move your car to a more convenient spot.

-What did the carrot say to the onion? -What? -Nothing, vegetables don't talk!

Thank God for the misfits and dregs of society!

"You call it 'Wordle?' Do you think it will catch on?"

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'

"I'm not on the train today dear, I've got flu."

"Our charity would appreciate a donation, but I am not willing to fight you for it."

An idle lap is the devil's workbench.

'Forget the golf. I just got a nibble!'

"Some say the world will end in noodles, some say in rice."

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

Sen. Krupt. I can't believe how little I was offered for my seat --- It's hardly been used!

'Never ever will I move by train again.'