Humble Chuckler Pillows

Jesus Christ

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

'...and on that you have my word.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

'If you must laugh, will you do it in the humour section please?'

The Big Four debate banking ethics

"Of course I want to have kids, Claire - just not all the time."

"Hey, bro...it's the least I could do."

Caution Fragile

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

Jesus Seals the Hick...

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

Fisherman buying fish on the way home...!

'Time's up, chuckles.'

"No, I'm not wearing a black sweater. My black cat sheds a lot."

Man tries to shake clinging dog off his leg. Dog says to another dog: 'I suppose you could say I'm a people person.'

Yoga - moooooooo.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

"And now, if I may, I'd like to put You on hold for a moment while I have a few words with Mammon."

-What did the carrot say to the onion? -What? -Nothing, vegetables don't talk!

"Our charity would appreciate a donation, but I am not willing to fight you for it."

Thank God for the misfits and dregs of society!

An idle lap is the devil's workbench.

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'