Holy Chuckler Pillows

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

"Your mom needs to know that you made it here OK, and your dad wants to know if you could use a few bucks."

"The subwoofers really help."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

Jesus Christ

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

"Actually, they all look alike to me."

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

Various Birds of Pray.

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

The Big Four debate banking ethics

"I was in purgatory only briefly and they've been sending me email newsletters ever since."

"Hey, this is a good bit- did I say that?"

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

"Well...this constant badness is just sooo wearisome...."

"I bit someone once. It tasted like chicken."

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

'It's too LATE to show remorse!'

If you're going to flap that hard, you need to tighten the wing nuts!

"They never would have got away with that in the Old Testament."

"Still fat."

Pluto Named Dwarf Planet

"It's Billy Graham ... he doesn't want to stop preaching!"

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Yoga - moooooooo.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

-What did the carrot say to the onion? -What? -Nothing, vegetables don't talk!

"Sorry for the confusion, but it's Poetry Night, not Poultry Night."

"I can't believe how soon they got me back on my feet after the operation..."

"Actually, sir, the rules were chiseled in stone."