Humble Humorist Pillows

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

"Of course I want to have kids, Claire - just not all the time."

Jesus Seals the Hick...

"No, I'm not wearing a black sweater. My black cat sheds a lot."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

Daffodil bulbs

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

Jesus Christ

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

"Wow! That's an amazing welding project!"

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

"Listen, the first pterodactyl of spring."

Surreal Ale Pub.

'Vacuums!'

'Sorry son, I bought you an ice-cream at the corner shop, but it melted on the way home...'

Just Survived My 3rd COVID Scare Dance.

'Before we begin, let's say a little prayer for humility.'

"You've been traded to the Red Sox for an outfielder with a broken arm."

'I can dish it out, but I can't take it.'

"I've never had a day's illness in my life. I always make it last a week."

"Could you put me 'on hold' Mom? I could use a hug."

'I'm screwed...'

'Any idea where my night vision visor is?'

"What's the difference between being addicted to painkillers and just really, really liking them a lot?"

'Thank you for the job offer, sir, but I find that unemployment helps keep me humble.'

"Well, you've fianlly done it! No more rainforest left!"

"You must cut down on your smoking."

"I've forgotten your face but I remember your mask."

The World of People

I was bitten by a radioactive bedbug – My superpower is getting a solid eight hours of sleep every night. Wow. So lucky.