Handy Humorist Pillows

Spot the ballcock

'I hit my thumb with a hammer.' - 'Well, it wouldn't happen if you hold the hammer with both hands.'

Hands-on-clinic: MDs specializing in each finger.

"Wow! That's an amazing welding project!"

Ice Cream Surgeon

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Replacement Bus Spotters.

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Fishing - No. IX

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'It feels warm enough to me.'

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'Whiskey and splash, sir.'

Dummies for Dummies.

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'