Diy Humorist Pillows

A hammer sits in front of his hunting trophies

'That's your limescale problem sorted.'

'Dude, I'm getting sooo hammered at this party!'

'A tool belt? -- you know I hate gag gifts!'

Man nails in a picture of boxing wearing boxing gloves.

Hardware shop 'Intimate corner' filled with rope,chains etc

'Is that the trebuchet?'

Newspaper circulation gauge.

Man put's up his wife's picture - driving a nail through her head.

!I haven't a clue what they are, but I don't like the look of them."

"Okay, maybe we should count assembling the exercise bike as your first workout."

"Couldn't find the hammer."

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

Football Chameleon

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Did you get my tweet?"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"OMG, LOL!"

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

"Will follow you on social media for food."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"I change my mantra every two months so no one can hack my soul."

"I'll have you know that, '#dirtylitterbox' is trending on Twitter."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"She looks just like in your photos."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

'Oh no! Is this a blogger I saw before me?'

"Don't worry about her sucking her thumb. Soon she'll be texting with it."