Satirical Chuckler Gifts

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

The Big Four debate banking ethics

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

Cafe investors: I'd like your support in acquiring the lemonade stand down the street. By cutting redundant labor, marketing and technology. I place our annual savings at $17 billion. The phone company investors bought it. Can monkey lick your head?

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"The subwoofers really help."

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

'I can't hire you, but I can sell you some stock in the company.'

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

Jesus Christ

'...and on that you have my word.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

Good news - we've found your car.

"So the year '2020' can also be written. . ."

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

"When the boss said he could replace me with a trained monkey, I replied, prove it! Me and my big mouth."

'You could always say the dog ate your lesson plan.'

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

'Bless you!'

You didn't tell me it was iTheatre...

'Time's up, chuckles.'