Literary Chuckler Gifts

"Some say the world will end in noodles, some say in rice."

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

'Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby boy!'

"The subwoofers really help."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

"So the year '2020' can also be written. . ."

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

'You could always say the dog ate your lesson plan.'

"Mom, are we vegetarians for ethical or religious reasons?"

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

The Terror Of Folkenstein

'Bless you!'

"I haven't written anything yet, but I'm looking for someone to ghostwrite my book 'how to delegate.'"

Real Life Bookshop.

'Time's up, chuckles.'

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

"I just talked to Grunzman on the phone when he called in sick...I fear he really has got something very, very highly contagious!"

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'

"I paid twelve quid for this and it only mentions nine!"