Comedian Chuckler Gifts

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"The subwoofers really help."

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'It's another squirrel - from the park. I warned you not to start feeding them.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'I worked briefly in a Fine-China shop, but it didn't work out...'

"Pff! That orang utan's obviously a crisis actor!"

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

Fisherman buying fish on the way home...!

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

"Mom, are we vegetarians for ethical or religious reasons?"

'Bless you!'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Man tries to shake clinging dog off his leg. Dog says to another dog: 'I suppose you could say I'm a people person.'

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

'You didn't chew, did you ?!'

Art Is A Snap When You Know How To Spell

"Actually, I got my nickname because I live in a loft."

An idle lap is the devil's workbench.

"I just talked to Grunzman on the phone when he called in sick...I fear he really has got something very, very highly contagious!"

"No. I blew the interview when I sniffed the interviewer's behind."

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

'Hey - I was in line first! There you go again...messing up the pecking order!'

"My wife took up walkin' a mile a day five years ago. Haven't seen her since!" "Lucky son of a..."