Chicagoan Chuckler Gifts

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

The Big Four debate banking ethics

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

Man sees line of priests entering Mass Transit Authority.

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

'Sorry kid, but rules are rules!'

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

"I keep forgetting. When do I cluck and when do I double-cluck?"

"Mom, are we vegetarians for ethical or religious reasons?"

Fisherman buying fish on the way home...!

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

"Goddam Dogs."

'Bless you!'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Man tries to shake clinging dog off his leg. Dog says to another dog: 'I suppose you could say I'm a people person.'

Yoga - moooooooo.

All Day Parking $1. Leave keys. It may be necessary to move your car to a more convenient spot.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

"I'm not on the train today dear, I've got flu."

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

Is it true that all cats are free thinkers? Yeah, we can't stand dogma.